A Biblical Response to Domestic Violence
October 4th, 2009[by Leslie Vernick, DCSW, LCSW. Leslie is in private practice, Director of Christ-Centered Counseling www.leslievernick.com, and is our blogger for the month of October. This is her first blog]
This blog contains some excerpts from my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It! Stopping It! Surviving It! (Harvest House, 2007).
Psychologist Daniel Goleman, wrote in his book Vital Lies, Simple Truths,
The range of what we think and do
is limited by what we fail to notice.
And because we fail to notice
that we fail to notice,
there is little we can do
to change.
until we notice
how failing to notice
shapes our thoughts and deeds.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I find that many Christian counselors, pastors, and lay leaders are woefully ill equipped to handle this very important issue. We have failed to notice that in every church, neighborhood, and many counseling offices there are individuals and children suffering from the sin of domestic abuse.
Weekly I receive frantic calls and e-mails from Christian women (and some men) who feel scared, trapped, hopeless and helpless because their most intimate relationship is abusive; verbally, physically, economically, sexually, spiritually or all of the above. God’s word has something to say about the way we treat people and as Christian counselors we should be most competent and wise in how we handle these sensitive family issues.
Therefore, I want to give you a biblical understanding of domestic violence and steps to take to address it.
1. Abuse is always sin. The scriptures are clear. Abuse of authority or power (even legitimate God given authority) is always sin. Abusive speech and/or behavior is never an acceptable way to communicate with someone (Malachi 2:16-17; Psalm 11:5; Colossians 3:8,19).
2. Abuse is never an appropriate response to being provoked. In working with abusive individuals they often blame the other person. This can be especially tricky when trying to counsel couples. There is no perfect person and victims of abuse aren’t sinless. However, we must be very clear minded that abusive behavior and/or speech is never justified, even when provoked. People provoke us all the time but we are still responsible for our response (Ephesians 4:26; Luke 6:45)
3. Biblical headship does not entitle a husband to get his own way, make all the family decisions, or to remove his wife’s right to choose. At the heart of most domestic abuse is the sinful use of power to gain control over another individual. Biblical headship is described as sacrificial servanthood, not unlimited authority and/or power (Mark 10:42-45). Let’s not confuse terms - when a husband demands his own way or dominates over his wife, it’s not called biblical headship, its called selfishness and abuse of power. (See, for example, Deuteronomy 13; Jeremiah 23:1-4; Ezekiel 34:2-4 for God’s rebuke of the leaders of Israel for their self-centered and abusive shepherding of God’s flock).
4. Unrepentant sin always damages relationships and sometimes people. Unconfessed sin separates us from God (Isaiah 59:2-5) and from one another (Proverbs 17:9). It is unrealistic and unbiblical to believe that you can continue healthy fellowship with someone who repeatedly sins against you. We are impacted in every way (See Proverbs 1:15; 14:7; 21:28; 22:24; 1 Corinthians 15:33).
5. God’s purpose is to deliver the abused. We are to be champions of the oppressed and abused. God hates the abuse of power and the sin of injustice (Psalm 5,7,10,140; 2 Corinthians 11:20; Acts 14:5-6).
Therefore, how does a Christian respond? Edmond Burke said, “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” We must not close our eyes to the sin of injustice or the abuse of power, whether it is in a home, a church, a work setting or a community or country (Micah 6:8). The apostle Paul encountered some spiritually abusive leaders and did not put up with it (2 Corinthians 11:20). We should never be passive when we encounter the sin of abuse.
However, because we too are sinners, it is tempting to react to abusive behavior with a sinful response of our own. The apostle Paul cautions us not to be overcome with evil, but to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).
What does that look practically? Here are some biblical guidelines that will help you empower someone to respond to the evil of domestic violence with good.
1. It is good to protect yourself from violent people. David fled King Saul when he was violent toward him. The angel of the Lord warned Joseph to flee to Egypt with Jesus because Herod was trying to kill him. Paul escaped from those who sought to stone him. We must help people to get safe and stay safe when they are in abusive relationships. This is not only good for her and her children; it is good for her abusive partner. If you are not experienced in developing a safety plan and assessing for lethality (often women are more at risk when they leave an abusive partner), refer or consult with someone who is knowledgeable in this area (Proverbs 27:12).
2. It is good to expose the abuser. Secrets are deadly, especially when there is abuse in a home. Bringing the deeds of darkness to light is the only way to get help for both the victim and the abuser. If you are working with a couple and notice that the woman defers to her husband, regularly looks to him before she answers, blames herself for all their conflicts, speak with them separately (Proverbs 29:1; Ephesians 5:11; Galatians 6:1; James 5:19-20).
3. It is good to speak the truth in love. When someone grievously sins against us and will not listen, it is good to bring the matter before the church or other authorities in order to get additional support. Biblical love is not simply turning the other cheek and putting up with mistreatment. Biblical love is action directed toward the best interests of the beloved, even when it is difficult or involves sacrifice (Ephesians 4:25; 1 Thessalonians 5:14; Hebrews 3:13)
4. It is good not to allow someone to continue to sin against you. It is not only good for the abused person to stop being a victim; it is good for the abuser to stop being a victimizer. It is it is in the abuser’s best interests to repent and to change (Matthew 18:15-17; James 5:19-20).
5. It is good to stop enabling and to let the violent person experience the consequences of his/her sinful behavior. One of life’s greatest teachers is consequences. God says what we sow, we reap (Galatians 6:7) A person who repeatedly uses violence at home does so because he gets away with it. Don’t allow that to continue (Proverbs 19:19). God has put civil authorities in place to protect victims of abuse (Romans 13:1-5) The apostle Paul appealed to the Roman government when he was being mistreated (Acts 22:24-29). We should encourage victims to do likewise.
6. It is good to wait and see the fruits of repentance before initiating reconciliation. Sin damages relationships. Repeated sin separates people. Although we are called to unconditional forgiveness, the Bible does not teach unconditional relationship with everyone nor unconditional reconciliation with a person who continues to mistreat us.
A good example of this is Joseph (see Genesis 42-45). Although Joseph forgave his brothers, he did not initiate a reconciliation of the relationships until he saw that they had a heart change. Biblical repentance is not simply feeling sorry (2 Corinthians 7:8-12). Repentance requires a change in direction. When we put pressure on someone to reconcile a marital relationship with an abusive partner before they have seen some significant change in behavior and attitude we can put them in harms way. We have sometimes valued the sanctity of marriage over the emotional, physical, and spiritual safety of the individuals in it.
The apostle Paul encourages us to distance ourselves from other believers who are sinning and refuse correction (See 1 Corinthians 5:9-11; 2 Thessalonians 3:6,14-15). A person cannot discern whether a heart change has taken place without adequate time. Words don’t demonstrate repentance, changed behaviors over time does (Matthew 7:20; 1 Corinthians 4:20).
As Christian counselors we have the opportunity and the responsibility to be champions of peace. I encourage you to forward this blog on to other Christian leaders who may need to learn how to see domestic abuse through the lens of the Scriptures.
October 5th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Thank you Leslie, for adressing this subject. The guidelines you set forth here are beneficial for all who are dealing with domestic violence personally or walking beside someone going through it. It’s always good to have biblical headship clarified, especially for those stuggling with wanting to be submissive to thier husbands.Biblical submission and headship in marraige have always been a confusing subject for many of us and it is so great to see it stated so clearly. I enjoyed this post and look forward to reading more! God Bless
October 8th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
I found this post via of another blog.
I just want to say thank you for writing this!
I am 44 and have been in a verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive marriage for 20 years.
My h left my boys and me 8 months ago and I am filing for divorce.
As a Christian it has been extremely hard to find support within the Christian community, and my own church.
The truth is, no one knows how to or truthfully wants to deal with abuse, especially verbal abuse. If no hitting is involved it isn’t really bad.
A man from my church actually told my h to go back home where God wanted him and pray with me so we could “work it out” and when I confronted this man about him telling my abusive h to come back home, he said that he believes that God only wants our marriage restored and it is his responsibility to see that it is. He would not listen to me, but was only concerned with the marriage being restored.
My pastor has told me that he sees a heart change in my h and yet I truthfully don’t. Others have told me that we just need to “talk it out” and get things resolved.
Luckily, I have steadfastedly prayed for God to show me the truth and guide me, and He has. I no longer believe that it is just my lot in life to stick out a very unhealthy relationship, but it is time to take a stand against sin that has hurt myself and my children.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Very . . . Very well said! What an enlightening article! Thank you for all you do and for sheading light on such sensitive issue.
October 16th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
An absolutely excellent article! The people we work with and the leaders of our churches need to understand these important truths - especially the vital aspect of seeing fruit in keeping with repentance. Matthew 7:16 tells us that “by their fruit you’ll recognize them.”
It takes a while for fruit to even begin budding, and longer to come into maturity. A few counseling sessions and a promise to do better is not license to have families move back in together when there has been any kind of abuse.
Let’s teach some clarity and sanity to these families. Their children are watching … and begging to be protected.
October 16th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
I have been in an abusive relationship for 14 years, I love God, and here I am at almost one in the morning, still wondering if I have made the right choice. My church doesn’t believe we need to get a divorce, and the reasoning is because, I don’t have enough faith in God, to make my marriage work. The other thing is, that I can’t show anyone a scripture where God say’s it is ok to divorce other than under adultery. My abuse is underrated and people that know will treat me as if I am fabricating stories. My husband has people so manipulated with his stories about me, one small example is that he was asking me to take the kids to church on wed and sun since I stopped going (being abusive to me in front of church members), I let him take the kids and come to find out he was making people believe that I abandoned him and our children, while he was raising them alone. I am young with two small boys; I am scared and deeply broken, although God has given me this content feeling and true forgiveness for my husband. I always forgive him, and always still love him, but my children are not going to beat their wives because I did not have the strength to leave. If anyone has incite on the means to divorce due to domestic violence, please help me. Thank you and God bless us all
October 17th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Thank you Leslie for this timely, very wise article. I only hope it gets to Pastors and Christian leaders everywhere; I’ll do my part in spreading it.
Diana,
Since you are asking, I hope I can give you a little insight; please know that I understand how you feel, because I’ve been through it. I am still going through it, but I’m a little further down the road, so I’d like to share with you from my own experience; also, I’ve studied Christian Counseling, so there is some objectiveness in what I have to say as well. I will share it with you like advice, because this is the easiest way to do it at the moment…I understand that you do not have a support system at your church. While that is sad, please don’t feel that there aren’t any other support systems. Pastor’s and Church leaders are often uneducated on this topic.
Unfortunately, abuse will not just stop or get healed, no matter how much you pray, forgive etc., though it is good to do that. There is only one thing that will stop it; you will have to leave. And, as I know from experience, you cannot go back to him until there is a complete 180 degree repentance and change, which will take TIME, and may not happen at all. Don’t allow him to manipulate you by “needy” pleas, or false confessions that are just to get you back under his control. Please understand, he is controlling you in some way or another; he doesn’t want to lose control.
So how do you leave? It isn’t easy; I won’t mislead you, you have to be brave! But you do have help available. Where ever you live, please find where the nearest Battered Woman’s Shelter is; it may or may not be in your County, but there should be one that would be willing to serve people in your County. Just because it isn’t Christian, doesn’t mean that they can’t offer you help, they can! They should be able to provide you with more than temporary shelter. Domestic abuse counseling, available financial help for women in your situation, job search, legal advice, and anything you need; with these, they can direct you where to go.
I went to one; it isn’t comfortable and doesn’t seem fair for you to have to leave home. But it is like taking two steps backward in order to get three steps forward, or better yet, to get walking again. Please take your children with you at your first opportunity, but be wise and discreet! I have a 5 yr. old boy; I did this. I told him we were going on our own little vacation for a while; but I didn’t tell him ANYTHING until were were on our way there! Otherwise, my husband would have found out. I made everything to be like and adventure and positive for my son. You do not need to pack any clothes, the shelter has these; you can get your stuff later; but you might want to bring each of their favorite toys; just one or two for each.
Do NOT tell your husband your plans, just take the first discreet opportunity. Don’t be concerned about laundry, dishes, dirty floors, unpaid bill; forget it! And you do not need to know where you will go after the shelter. But you will want to stay close to God in prayer and ask for guidance. By this, I mean that as a Christian, you can pray to Him, knowing that He cares for you. Pray for wisdom, and listen for it; don’t just do what others tell you; take what others say and bring it to prayer, including what I am writing you. Ask God to confirm what is the direction to take, and listen. I will pray for you also.
You do not have to wait for another incident; even though things may be calm at a moment, understand that abuse happens in cycles; cycles that may or may not be definable, and are unique in each situation. It may be calm now, but not forever; it will happen again. You might know this already, but then you might have a burst of hope that it will all get better. These feelings are normal, but you cannot listen to them.
IMPORTANT: Please, don’t just call the police expecting they will help you blindly; unless, of course, there is physical harm to show as evidence. Men will lie to the police, putting them in a difficult situation of who to believe. It is better to do that from the woman’s shelter where they can back you up and support you. Even from there, you might request to speak only with a female police officer, if you have to make a report.
My husband has finally realized and confessed his abuse to a counselor, and at a support group; he also pleaded guilty to domestic violence charges, and was assigned 26 weeks of domestic violence classes and a small $ fine. This was a long journey I’ve traveled to get to this point where he was able to plead guilty. Yet, because I did not do it the way I just told you… I am pending a court case of “disturbing the peace”, just because I called & reported him on my own, with out the proof, and then he lied. I had proof in the past, but I hid it. Now that I pleaded “not guilty”, I have to go back to court and what is worse, he was summoned to be there as a witness. Duh? He lied the first time. The police officer that took my report also humiliated me; please spare your yourself from my mistakes!
If you cannot find a Battered Woman’s Shelter near you, look in your phone book in the community service or help section in the front. If you still can’t find one, go to your library and ask a librarian for help to research for you.
If you want to get more insight, you can purchase the book “Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them, by Paul Hegstrom; a Christian, helpful, very specific book on this topic that can answer lot’s of your questions, and perhaps bring some healing where the church has hurt you.
Also, a book for Christian leaders on this topic is called “Healing Violent Men: A model for Christian Communities” by David Livingston. This one gave me insight, but I already have background in Psychology and Counseling; this book may be better for the Christian Leaders to read.
I found both these books at Christianbook.com.
Hope this has been helpful.
December 24th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Abuse is unacceptable by worldly standards how much more in the body should any kind of abuse not be tolerated, that being said we have a remedy to deal with such a person in love and to restore them if they want that and the remedy is church discipline. Unfortunately this discipline is not practiced by and large by the body and I think that is because leaders are blind to the truth that we are expected to live holy lives because we have the POWER to do so other wize we wouldnt be commanded to. Hence we have have a high divorce rate lots of abuses and lets not forget the pet sin of sexual immorality that is tolerated in the body as if we have no power to over come, Lord help us. Its a time we live in where we really need to know the word and rely on the holy spirit for specific instructions because the body on the whole is not doing her job to keep sin out and keep holiness and Gods resurecting power in. Habitual sin is not to be tolerated it HURTS God and others and the body! True repentance happens when someone sees that have sinned against God and the fruits would be a complete turning a way from the behaviors with action of restitution of the wrong done, living with any one who habitually sins, and having no form of recourse to implement the church discipline that God has commanded leaves the people around the abuser to implement discipline in a loving matter, to suggest God is communicating that wives stay in an abusive situation, with no accountability or discipline from the abuser says something about those giving that kind of advise, they dont KNOW JESUS and they dont KNOW HIS HEART! peace and remember everything we do for the abuser is done in love with a goal of reconcillation and restoration, and to bring for true repentance with fruit that will last, for this is the WILL OF GOD!