Practice the Opposite

Posted on October 25, 2009

[by Leslie Vernick, DCSW, LCSW. Leslie is in private practice, Director of Christ-Centered Counseling www.leslievernick.com, and is our blogger for the month of October. This is her fourth blog]

One of the things that I have found very helpful in my own personal life as well is in my professional practice is intentionally practicing the opposite virtue when I get stuck in emotional quicksand.  When unwanted but nevertheless strong negative emotions capture us (or our clients), we often feel powerless to break free from them. We can examine our negative self-talk, journal, pray and yet we still feel caught. 

Good self-control can help us refrain from expressing such feelings but it does not relieve the inner tension we (or our clients) feel and can never be the end goal of good Christian counseling. God aims for a deeper change as we must. He wants our heart to be transformed to be more like his. Practicing the opposite virtue can be both evidence of a transformed heart and a means by which we can help someone grow into it. 

Let me give you a few examples. When I feel impatient waiting in a long line with a slow clerk, I have learned not to blurt out my toxic feelings all over the clerk, but I still feel irritated while waiting. I can take a deep breath and that helps calm me down a bit, but much more effective is when I intentionally focus my attention on feeling compassionate for the overworked, underpaid clerk. I can also practice humility by reminding myself that my needs and my time are not the highest priority but rather faith, expressing itself through love. As I consciously take these steps I am applying a powerful antidote to the emotion of impatience and my irritation vanishes.

When the apostle Paul speaks to thieves about their behavior, he does not merely tell them to stop stealing (self control). A thief has a selfish heart. Greed rules him. Stealing is an outward manifestation of his inward reality. Paul instructs him to work (virtue of diligence) so that he can share his resources with others who have needs (virtues of compassion and generosity – Ephesians 4:28).

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying that we should be hypocrites or pretend. Rather, practicing the opposite virtue helps us not to allow our temporary feelings to define who we are. Just because we feel angry at the moment doesn’t mean we have to act that way. People feel many different emotions throughout each day that they don’t act upon. That’s one reason why Jesus commanded us to love our enemy and to do him good (Matthew 5:43-44) and the apostle Paul tells us not to be overcome by evil but to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).

Doing good toward our enemy doesn’t mean we don’t feel angry, it just means that we’re not going to give in to our emotions by acting in an ugly way toward our enemy. In fact, in order to counter that ugly feeling, Jesus tells us we must do him or her good. We want to act out of who we are (new creations in Christ), not what we feel. When we choose to do that, our feelings will change.

One virtue that you may want to work on in your clinical practice this next month is that of helping people feel thankful. I have to be honest. For a long time as a Christian counselor I struggled to encourage my clients to apply the biblical command to give thanks in all things (1 Thessalonians 5:18). How could I help a young woman give thanks when she is seething with anger that her father sexually abused her or some other equally horrific story?

Yet recently I met a woman who had a tragic story. Her only child was killed in a motorcycle accident yet in the midst of her grief she was thankful. She said, “I can’t be thankful for all things, but I can be thankful in all things.” She continued, “I can be thankful that my son died doing something that he loved. I’m thankful that he didn’t suffer and that he knew the Lord. I’m thankful for so many wonderful friends who have helped me through this. Gratitude helped this woman through her grief in a much more positive way than had she not practiced it. Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky writes, “gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, avarice, hostility, worry, and irritation (The How of Happiness, p 89).

As Christian counselors we regularly listen to people who feel miserable much of the time. They grumble and complain that life, God, or other people don’t give them the things they feel they deserve. This entitlement thinking breeds more discontent and unhappiness. How can they break free from these negative emotions? The gateway is to practice the opposite virtue of gratitude. The psalmist said, “It is good to give thanks to the Lord” (Psalm 92:2). When we don’t feel thankful, practicing gratitude as an act of obedience, pleases God.  Henri Nouwen writes,

Gratitude as a discipline involves a conscious choice. I can choose to be grateful even when my emotions and feelings are still steeped in hurt and resentment. It is amazing how many occasions present themselves in which I can choose gratitude instead of a complaint. I can choose to be grateful when I am criticized, even when my heart still responds in bitterness. I can choose to speak about goodness and beauty, even when my inner eye still looks for someone to accuse or something to call ugly.

I’d love to hear from others how they are practicing the opposite virtue, both in their own lives and in their clinical practice. I think we can all greatly benefit from sharing the practical application of God’s word in our lives.

Unconditional Love/Conditional Relationship

Posted on October 18, 2009

[by Leslie Vernick, DCSW, LCSW. Leslie is in private practice, Director of Christ-Centered Counseling www.leslievernick.com, and is our blogger for the month of October. This is her third blog]

A small portion of this blog is taken from my book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing it! Stopping it! Surviving it! (Harvest House 2008) 

            The scriptures clearly command us to love one another. Biblically that means that we are to seek another person’s well-being, even when it is difficult and may cost us. Jesus says, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). Christ calls us to love our enemies and to do good to those to mistreat us (Matthew 5:44). Yet how do we practically live that out when we are in a relationship with someone who repeatedly lies to us, mistreats us, tries to control us, or abuses us? Too often, we have misunderstood unconditional love as meaning unconditional relationship. There is a subtle but important distinction.

            This past weekend I was speaking at a fund raiser for Focus Ministries, an organization that offers educational and supportive services to victims of domestic violence. A number of women shared with me that the counsel they received from their pastor, church leader or Christian counselor was to reconcile, reminding her of God’s command to forgive and to love unconditionally. Adultery, they said, was the only biblical grounds for divorce.

This blog is not about domestic violence or whether or not there are biblical grounds for separation or divorce. However implied in the counseling these women received is the idea that we are called by God to maintain a relationship with someone even when he or she is repeatedly destructive toward us. But is that counsel truly biblical? Are we ever permitted to end a relationship or distance ourselves from someone because of their unchanged sinful behavior?

God love for humankind is unconditional but he does not offer anyone unconditional relationship. He tells us that our sin separates us from him and that without repentance we have no fellowship with him (1 John 1:6). Our sin does not separate us from God’s love (Romans 5:8) but it does separate us from his presence (Isaiah 59:1-2). Jesus distanced himself from certain religious leaders because he didn’t trust them. He knew what was in their heart (John 2:24). Throughout much of the Old Testament, God withdraws his presence from his people because of unrepentant sin.

God calls people to a covenant relationship that is like a marriage. He not only wants us to enjoy his love, he wants us to love him back (Deuteronomy 6:5). He not only promises us his faithfulness, he requires that we be faithful in return (Deuteronomy 4:23-24). The book of Hosea is a picture of God’s love for his unfaithful spouse (Israel). He longs for her, but his relationship with her will remain broken until she is willing to change.

In this sinful world there is no perfect person and in every relationship there is some brokenness and suffering. That’s why Jesus tells us that when someone sins against us we are to go and talk to that person so that we can be reconciled. However, he also adds, if they refuse to hear you after you have repeatedly tried to get them to listen, he says, “Treat them as you would a pagan and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:15-17). Jesus says, if there is no repentance, the relationship you once had changes. Pagans and tax collectors were not trusted, nor were they friends, although a good Jew would help a pagan or tax collector who was in need, fulfilling the biblical mandate to love one’s enemy.

There are certain basic conditions necessary for any relationship (personal and professional) to be healthy and safe. They are mutual caring, mutual honesty and mutual respect. The operative word is mutual. One person can certainly make a bad relationship better all by herself which may eliminate some strife and dissention, but one person cannot turn a bad relationship into a good relationship all by herself. It is an unfair and heavy burden we have often unknowingly placed on people because we want to be biblical.

What’s the alternative?  When my mother was ill and needed assistance, I was willing to go to her, help her out as I could, and care for her needs despite the fact that we had not spoken in over 15 years due to her alcoholism and abusive behavior. I could love her unconditionally (seek her well-being) and I had long ago forgiven her, but we had no relationship. I did not trust her and I didn’t not expect anything mutual. It was all one-sided, it was ministry not relationship.

We are indeed called to be imitators of Christ and live a life of love (Ephesians 5:1), but let’s not put a yoke on someone to do something that God himself doesn’t do. God is good to the saint and unrepentant sinner alike, but he does not have relationship with both. When someone repeatedly sins against us and is not repentant and willing to change, it’s not possible to have a healthy or safe relationship.

Being in close fellowship with someone is not a right, even if both people are Christians. It is a sacred privilege. The apostle Paul advises us to distance ourselves from people who are continually destructive, especially if their behaviors or attitudes are sinful and unacceptable, both to us and to God (1 Corinthians 5:9-11; 2 Thessalonians 3:6,14-15). Loving a person unconditionally may indeed require sacrifice and suffering but we suffer and sacrifice for another person’s good, not to allow them to continue to sin against us. That is foolishness, not biblical love. Too many counselees have been wrongly instructed that biblical love means they must be nice and suffer quietly, even as they are being mistreated and abused. But as C.S. Lewis wisely wrote, “Love is more stern and splendid than mere kindness.”

Disordered Loves and Depression: A Personal Response to Interpersonal Distress

Posted on October 11, 2009

[by Leslie Vernick, DCSW, LCSW. Leslie is in private practice, Director of Christ-Centered Counseling www.leslievernick.com, and is our blogger for the month of October. This is her second blog]

  One of the essential elements to good mental health is having loving connections with others. Research in positive psychology shows a strong relationship between having a good social support system and the ability to withstand life’s stressors. (See Sonja Lyubomirsky, The How of Happiness, chapters 5 and 6; and Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom chapters 6 and 7)  An old Jewish proverb wisely reminds us, “Sticks in a bundle are unbreakable.  Sticks alone can be broken by a child.”  The consequence of disconnection and broken relationships is often depression.

Listening to depressed people over a number of years and their own explanations as to why they thought they were depressed, led me to look at depression through the lens of relationships.  I’ve often discovered that beneath a person’s depression was a past relationship wound that was affecting present functioning and/ or a present relationship difficulty that was denied, unresolved, or not being addressed in a godly way. I also found that people often struggled with depression because they and/or their loved ones lacked the skills to make or keep authentic, supportive relationships. 

 Psychologist Richard O’Connor confirms this idea in his book Undoing Depression. He writes, “Depression is both caused by and a cause of poorly functioning relationships.”  The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) indicates that the highest rates for depression for both men and women are among those who are separated and divorced.  The condition of a marital relationship is a significant factor in predicting depression, especially in women.  The NIMH reports, “Lack of an intimate, confiding relationship, as well as overt marital disputes, have been shown to be related to depression in women.  In fact, rates of depression were shown to be highest among unhappily married women.” (www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/depwomenknows.cfm). 

 The bible confirms the importance of fellowship and relationship (Romans 12:10).  In addition to making us physical and spiritual beings, God made us relational beings.  The two greatest commandments God gives us have to do with loving connection (Mark 12:29-31).  We are to love him first and to love others deeply from the heart (1 Thessalonians 4:9, 10; 1 Peter 1:22).  God tells us that we will find meaning, purpose, and identity through our connection with him and with others. (See for example Paul’s teaching in 2 Corinthians 5:16-21; 6:11-13; 8:5-7.)

 Working with depressed individuals on their relationship distress and helping them build stronger interpersonal connection is certainly part of good treatment. But I’m wondering as biblical counselors, if we are not uniquely equipped (and called) to also help a person recognize and repent of his or her disordered loves.

 Let me give you a couple of cases where I’ve chosen to focus on the latter rather than the former as a strategy in my counseling.  I’d welcome dialogue from readers as to how and when you do this as well.

 Tom was separated from his wife, Joyce. Their marriage was short lived and tumultuous from the start. Both are professing believers, this is Tom’s third marriage, Joyce’s second. They met in a singles ministry and his goal in counseling was to “feel better” and “to learn how he can win his wife back.” We’ve worked on some things he can do to tackle his anxiety and depressed mood as well as to communicate more effectively with his wife but Tom reports, “It’s not working, and I fear she’s seeing another man.” His next question was, “Can I start seeing someone else, just as a friend?” Although he already knew my answer, he added, “It’s easier to deal with the hurt and rejection if I know I have someone else to be with.”

 In another case, Donna has lived with chronic depression most of her marriage. She has been in personal as well as marriage counseling for years to cope with her unhappy marital relationship. She is bitter and feels hopeless that her marriage will ever change. Her main complaint is that she feels gypped that her husband isn’t romantic and doesn’t engage her in intimate or meaningful conversations. I’ve met Donna’s husband. He is kind and has many strengths, but she’s right. He is emotionally unavailable and isn’t likely to change into the man her heart longs for.

 As biblical counselors, how do we encourage Tom to put his hope in God instead of a female friend while experiencing the pain of rejection? How do we speak to Donna’s despair and longings in a way that brings hope to her heart – not the hope of a good marriage, but hope in the goodness and love of God in spite of a mediocre marriage?

 Both Donna and Tom’s love for God was real but secondary to their other loves. They made the love of a human being rather than God’s love primary to their emotional well being. We all know that God commands us to love him first and most, not because he needs our love but because he knows it is in our absolute best interest for us to put him first and order our other relationships around that center.  Without a secure foundation in God’s love, all of us search for human love to fill us up and make us feel valuable and worthwhile.  This strategy always fails because human love was never designed to totally fulfill us and make us happy.  No one will ever understand us and care for us as much as we want.  Only God’s love is that good and his understanding that complete.  Even the best human love is laced with finite limitations and sin.

How a person handles the inevitable disappointment of human relationship limitations will either drive them to seek new relationships in unhealthy ways, engage an addiction for relief, lament in despair and depression, or it will drive them toward God.  C.S. Lewis wrote, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains; it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”  Relational disappointment can lead us out of illusion and into truth and reality. Sorrow teaches us to let go of our attachments to false or lesser things and to seek after God.

A Biblical Response to Domestic Violence

Posted on October 4, 2009

[by Leslie Vernick, DCSW, LCSW. Leslie is in private practice, Director of Christ-Centered Counseling www.leslievernick.com, and is our blogger for the month of October. This is her first blog]

This blog contains some excerpts from my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It! Stopping It! Surviving It!  (Harvest House, 2007).

Psychologist Daniel Goleman, wrote in his book Vital Lies, Simple Truths,

The range of what we think and do

is limited by what we fail to notice.

And because we fail to notice

that we fail to notice,

there is little we can do

to change.

until we notice

how failing to notice

shapes our thoughts and deeds.

 

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I find that many Christian counselors, pastors, and lay leaders are woefully ill equipped to handle this very important issue. We have failed to notice that in every church, neighborhood, and many counseling offices there are individuals and children suffering from the sin of domestic abuse.

Weekly I receive frantic calls and e-mails from Christian women (and some men) who feel scared, trapped, hopeless and helpless because their most intimate relationship is abusive; verbally, physically, economically, sexually, spiritually or all of the above.  God’s word has something to say about the way we treat people and as Christian counselors we should be most competent and wise in how we handle these sensitive family issues. 

Therefore, I want to give you a biblical understanding of domestic violence and steps to take to address it.

1. Abuse is always sin. The scriptures are clear. Abuse of authority or power (even legitimate God given authority) is always sin. Abusive speech and/or behavior is never an acceptable way to communicate with someone (Malachi 2:16-17; Psalm 11:5; Colossians 3:8,19).

2. Abuse is never an appropriate response to being provoked. In working with abusive individuals they often blame the other person. This can be especially tricky when trying to counsel couples. There is no perfect person and victims of abuse aren’t sinless. However, we must be very clear minded that abusive behavior and/or speech is never justified, even when provoked. People provoke us all the time but we are still responsible for our response (Ephesians 4:26; Luke 6:45)

3. Biblical headship does not entitle a husband to get his own way, make all the family decisions, or to remove his wife’s right to choose. At the heart of most domestic abuse is the sinful use of power to gain control over another individual. Biblical headship is described as sacrificial servanthood, not unlimited authority and/or power (Mark 10:42-45). Let’s not confuse terms – when a husband demands his own way or dominates over his wife, it’s not called biblical headship, its called selfishness and abuse of power. (See, for example, Deuteronomy 13; Jeremiah 23:1-4; Ezekiel 34:2-4 for God’s rebuke of the leaders of Israel for their self-centered and abusive shepherding of God’s flock).

4. Unrepentant sin always damages relationships and sometimes people. Unconfessed sin separates us from God (Isaiah 59:2-5) and from one another (Proverbs 17:9). It is unrealistic and unbiblical to believe that you can continue healthy fellowship with someone who repeatedly sins against you. We are impacted in every way (See Proverbs 1:15; 14:7; 21:28; 22:24; 1 Corinthians 15:33).

5. God’s purpose is to deliver the abused. We are to be champions of the oppressed and abused. God hates the abuse of power and the sin of injustice (Psalm 5,7,10,140; 2 Corinthians 11:20; Acts 14:5-6).

Therefore, how does a Christian respond?  Edmond Burke said, “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” We must not close our eyes to the sin of injustice or the abuse of power, whether it is in a home, a church, a work setting or a community or country (Micah 6:8). The apostle Paul encountered some spiritually abusive leaders and did not put up with it (2 Corinthians 11:20). We should never be passive when we encounter the sin of abuse. 

However, because we too are sinners, it is tempting to react to abusive behavior with a sinful response of our own. The apostle Paul cautions us not to be overcome with evil, but to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).

What does that look practically? Here are some biblical guidelines that will help you empower someone to respond to the evil of domestic violence with good.

1. It is good to protect yourself from violent people. David fled King Saul when he was violent toward him. The angel of the Lord warned Joseph to flee to Egypt with Jesus because Herod was trying to kill him. Paul escaped from those who sought to stone him. We must help people to get safe and stay safe when they are in abusive relationships. This is not only good for her and her children; it is good for her abusive partner. If you are not experienced in developing a safety plan and assessing for lethality (often women are more at risk when they leave an abusive partner), refer or consult with someone who is knowledgeable in this area (Proverbs 27:12).

2.  It is good to expose the abuser.  Secrets are deadly, especially when there is abuse in a home. Bringing the deeds of darkness to light is the only way to get help for both the victim and the abuser. If you are working with a couple and notice that the woman defers to her husband, regularly looks to him before she answers, blames herself for all their conflicts, speak with them separately (Proverbs 29:1; Ephesians 5:11; Galatians 6:1; James 5:19-20).

3.  It is good to speak the truth in love. When someone grievously sins against us and will not listen, it is good to bring the matter before the church or other authorities in order to get additional support. Biblical love is not simply turning the other cheek and putting up with mistreatment. Biblical love is action directed toward the best interests of the beloved, even when it is difficult or involves sacrifice (Ephesians 4:25; 1 Thessalonians 5:14; Hebrews 3:13)

4.  It is good not to allow someone to continue to sin against you. It is not only good for the abused person to stop being a victim; it is good for the abuser to stop being a victimizer. It is it is in the abuser’s best interests to repent and to change (Matthew 18:15-17; James 5:19-20).

5.  It is good to stop enabling and to let the violent person experience the consequences of his/her sinful behavior.  One of life’s greatest teachers is consequences. God says what we sow, we reap (Galatians 6:7) A person who repeatedly uses violence at home does so because he gets away with it. Don’t allow that to continue (Proverbs 19:19). God has put civil authorities in place to protect victims of abuse (Romans 13:1-5)  The apostle Paul appealed to the Roman government when he was being mistreated (Acts 22:24-29). We should encourage victims to do likewise.

6.  It is good to wait and see the fruits of repentance before initiating reconciliation. Sin damages relationships. Repeated sin separates people. Although we are called to unconditional forgiveness, the Bible does not teach unconditional relationship with everyone nor unconditional reconciliation with a person who continues to mistreat us.

A good example of this is Joseph (see Genesis 42-45). Although Joseph forgave his brothers, he did not initiate a reconciliation of the relationships until he saw that they had a heart change. Biblical repentance is not simply feeling sorry (2 Corinthians 7:8-12). Repentance requires a change in direction. When we put pressure on someone to reconcile a marital relationship with an abusive partner before they have seen some significant change in behavior and attitude we can put them in harms way. We have sometimes valued the sanctity of marriage over the emotional, physical, and spiritual safety of the individuals in it.

The apostle Paul encourages us to distance ourselves from other believers who are sinning and refuse correction (See 1 Corinthians 5:9-11; 2 Thessalonians 3:6,14-15). A person cannot discern whether a heart change has taken place without adequate time. Words don’t demonstrate repentance, changed behaviors over time does (Matthew 7:20; 1 Corinthians 4:20).

As Christian counselors we have the opportunity and the responsibility to be champions of peace. I encourage you to forward this blog on to other Christian leaders who may need to learn how to see domestic abuse through the lens of the Scriptures.

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